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Self-editing in a toxic way

I'm conflicted.

One moment, I experience total clarity because I have "the answer".
The next, I realize just how simplistically stupid that really is.

Last summer, I stayed up for three days and nights non-stop writing out a brilliant 64-page journal of my thoughts.
Now as I re-read it, I think how shallow my thinking is.

Over the past weeks, each morning on a daily basis, I have created another entry to post here, as I tentatively expose myself to 'you', whoever you may be.
Each day I delete them, realizing they'll never serve any purpose, as if they somehow should.

Each day, I start out feeling I have a vision for my life.
Each evening, I realize how hollow and empty I truly am.

I get inspired by documentaries I see listed on television so I watch them.
After watching, I realize how insignificant I am in 'the grand scheme of things'.

And I wonder how accurate, how biased or how editted they are anyway.
But I believe them anyway, because "I saw it on TV" logic is infallible, after all.

I used to think it was the most important duty of a citizen to vote.
Now, it's a media farce, but I'm going to vote anyway. I'm voting Green.

I have pushed my family and friends away from me, 'protecting' them from this new persona, this bipolar creature that doesn't speak or act like I used to.
I've discovered a universal anonymous cyber support group here on the net, and I live off it vicariously.

I've discovered there are so many other people via net searches who are feeling or have felt the same as me, and so they truly understand, and don't just tolerate it.
I'm humbled and frustrated that they're able to capture the feelings so much more eloquently and profoundly than I can, and so I feel inadequate again.

I spent 20 years of my life believing that I was an unorthodox, quirky, but outstanding teacher.
As I wander the internet, I realize how absolutely little I know, especially about computing, which used to be my 'specialty'.

I keep being drawn to my 'dark' side.
It totally fascinates me.

I'm not 'supposed' to have a dark side; 'nice' people like me just don't.
I disgust myself with my thoughts, and can't record them in case 'someone' sees them.

I find myself starting out searching sites dealing with concepts like 'positive self-esteem'.
I find myself suddenly wondering where the sequence flipped me over to sites exploring concepts like 'rejection'.

I don't like myself.
And I can't do anything about it without being able to rewind my life and do it all over again.

I don't have time for that.
I'm not prepared to start it again today.

It'll pass. It always does. I'm apparently a 'rapid cycler' as I switch between the up's and down's of bipolarism. At least, that's what the doc says.

I have trouble remembering things sometimes; more and more, in fact.
It scares me. It pisses me off when I try to verbalize my fears, and they're always brushed off as a trivial function of getting older.

I have trouble finding the correct word sometimes.
And sometimes I don't.

Every now and then, I just want to write the word fuck in a blog, and see if it upsets anyone.
I think 'political correctness' is another way of saying censorship.

I censor myself all the time, because I don't want to offend anyone.

I'm probably narcissistic. I've used the pronoun 'I' 57 times so far in this blog entry.
57 channels, and nothing is on. As if anyone cares.

The worst advice I've ever been given when I've been down is "Just get over it".
Lots of people say it to me without having to say the words.
The worst name I've ever been called is 'martyr'.

The worst thing I've probably ever done to drive everyone away is to not just get over it.
I seem to have a compulsion to focus on it. I don't understand why, yet.

I'm supposed to be a nice, middle-class WASPish kind of guy.
I'm not.

I set self-defeating traps for myself.
I always fall into them.

I'm gay.
That's what I hate most about myself.

I've never loved anyone.
I don't think I've ever been loved.

I don't know what love means.
I was raped once when I was in my 20's.

It has always made me feel sub-human.
My doctor once said I was probably as much homophobic as gay.

He's probably right.
That's the way things were when I should have been growing up. So I didn't.

What gives the right-wing of our social system the 'right' to claim ownership of 'family values' anyway.
I'm guessing statistically there as many wife-abusers and broken homes on 'their' side too.
Fuck them.

We have too many labels. Gay. Ugly. Canadian. Perfect.
There are too many databases. Too many id numbers. Too much control.
Where do you 'go' when you want to 'find' yourself?

I'm not finding any answers there either.


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  • I'm Evydense
  • From Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
  • And I'm tired of living in the shadow of narrow-mindedness and ignorance. So here's the fax, Jack! "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred and sixty-two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." - Lynne Lavner*** I'm confused; curious; satisfied; realistically resigned to being a frustrated idealist; usually at peace with myself, but not always. Amazed at how little I know, and wondering how much I need to understand.
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