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Out of the Blues

There's something that's bugging me, but I'm not sure exactly what it is. It's a niggling. It's an itch that needs to be scratched.

I've been in a bit of a funk lately, but I don't think it's got anything to do with bipolarity. Perhaps it does, and I'm just not aware of it, or unwilling to take that easy way out. No, it goes deeper than that. It goes to the very essence of who I am, why I am and why I should continue to be.

I just don't get it. Purpose. Meaning. All that deep, philosophical stuff mixed in with all the superficial, psychobabble stuff. I mean, don't get me wrong...I've got it all worked out to my own satisfaction, but that's not enough somehow. Each night I write thoughts that are clear, deep, pristine. Each morning I read them over and wonder 'where to from here?'

If I live today for today, then my days are empty and meaningless. I get nothing done. If I live for some grander design, it confuses and overwhelms me and my days are frustrating and incomplete.

In either case, I lose. It's not a pleasant feeling. Is this some kind of penance I'm doomed to pay because I was cursed with an inquisitive mind?

Some days I just want to be someone else, have friends, go to a pub, write a poem, laugh, join in the drunken crowd of strangers on Whyte Avenue celebrating the latest Oilers win. Some days I seek the loneliness of crowds. Other days I'm crowded by my own loneliness.

Some day, I'd like to just have a simple, uncomplicated, complete day.

Some day.

One day.


I understand what you are saying, there are days when I stop & ask myself just what am I doing. Days where I don't want to be alone with my brain, days where I just want to be left alone. I guess all I can say is it is best to enjoy the moment for what it is because it will never come again. We aren't guaranteed tomorrow. Just soak up those little moments for what they are worth.
It is great that you have an inquisitive mind...that is part of what makes you , you! Just remember that you don't have to question everything & that is O.K! Just enjoy today because it is here!

You say you'd like to write a poem. You composed a great first line for a poem: "Some days I seek the loneliness of crowds. Other days I'm crowded by my own loneliness." Why don't you pursue that thought as a poem?

I know how you feel too Rick. Sometimes I walk around here feeling like there's too much to do and it makes me itch. I dont know where to start or end so I just don't. I think that Gary had a great idea for that poem as well!

If you really believe this: "I've got it all worked out to my own satisfaction," then why'd you write this: "but that's not enough somehow."

I know how frustrating it is to feel like you don't have a purpose, or meaning in this life. But how is living with purpose more stressful and confusing for you? I see a "hopeless" approach to life either way, if I'm reading you correcty (hopefully that's not the case!)

I also have an insanely inquisitive mind; I love to ask the deeper questions but have to admit that I can't figure everything out. It's not a curse, though sometimes it might feel like it. I hope your funk ends soon, I really do!

Sometimes it's a bittersweet feeling for me to read the things you write because you think intensely about so many of the things I have been fascinated by-- only I no longer have the energy or motivation to pursue these thoughts, much less express them. That bothers me. What a terrible waste when a passionate thinker loses the motivation to think.

Mackey: You said it nicely, I think. "Days where I don't want to be alone with my brain. I just want to be left alone." Thinking shouldn't have to be such a chore all the time!

Gary: I like the idea about the poem, and when I wrote those lines I actually had that idea in mind. It's too depressing a theme for me, though, at least right now it is. Perhaps sometime, though. There's a line in my next blog that just sort of came out the end of my fingers as I typed, but it struck me as a phrase that probably belongs in a poem too. "I'm a wish that didn't happen." I've never tried my hand at poetry, preferring the run-off-at-my-mouth prose format!

KSHIPPYCHIC: "I don't know where to start or end, so I just don't". Yeah, that's part of it too. It's not a nice, tidy, sequential package. So, instead of starting just somewhere, anywhere, we don't start at all.

Holly: See my next blog {Taking Stock} as a partial answer to your first question. How is living with purpose more stressful? For one thing, there's now something to live up to, whereas living without purpose not only allows greater freedom of choice, but more spontaneity in reaction to possible options. Purpose can be very limiting, and that frustrates inquisitive minds. And thanks for the 'funk' wishes! {smile!}

Oliviah: Thank you for the comments. Although I must be honest in saying usually what I write is for selfish reasons to get my thoughts out in front of me, it's encouraging to know that it's mental fodder for others sometimes too. I have a very close friend who used to do wonderful soapstone carvings, and then, fairly suddenly, just stopped doing them and seemed to have lost interest. It bothered me for the longest time, until I realized it was my selfishness to continue seeing him turn out these works of art that was driving me to continue encouraging him. It was a phase of his life that, for him, had passed. I felt the same when I read your comment about it being a 'waste' when a passionate thinker loses the motivation to think. Really? Or have you just moved on to other things.

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  • I'm Evydense
  • From Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
  • And I'm tired of living in the shadow of narrow-mindedness and ignorance. So here's the fax, Jack! "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred and sixty-two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." - Lynne Lavner*** I'm confused; curious; satisfied; realistically resigned to being a frustrated idealist; usually at peace with myself, but not always. Amazed at how little I know, and wondering how much I need to understand.
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