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Tentatively Stepping Out, With Some Help Perhaps

The word is Acceptance. To be fully accepted by everyone is probably an unattainable goal; however it is a wonderful feeling when there is someone whom we can discuss our innermost, honest feelings, and know that we are accepted. It is also a milestone in our life when we can learn to accept others. There always seems to be a gap between what we are and what we would like to be. We should be like Noah in the beautiful play Green Pastures when he said, "I ain't much, but I'se all I got."

Strangely enough, I felt some degree of release by writing yeterday's blog. You see, you folks are becoming "The Lady On The Train" of whom I have spoken several times now. A listener. A non-judgemental opinion-giver, or alternative-giver. Whatever she, you, or they felt happened to be right for the moment. It invariably was.

I'm stuck way, way in my past folks, and I'd really like to grow up.

There are a lot of certain unchangeables in my life, as in everyone's. It would be an exercise in futility to spend much time or energy focussing on those things, or hide behind them as I've been doing a lot of lately.

But the various feedback messages on my entry yesterday made me realize --- I mean fully, completely, without hesitation or pause---, realize, they were not just paying lip service to something that has been right under my nose for months now. I have a bunch of genuine new friends and confidants. Some days it works; some days it doesn't! Kinda like any friendship, but they're always there in a pinch....that's really the basic measure of friendship, after all, isn't it?

That is an experience I have never had before....having a network of friends (the closest I came was in Montreal during my heavy drinking days) to be free to say whatever is on my mind without fear of censure, or without hesitation from embarrassment. I'll be quite simple in saying it is a profound feeling.

It's tough to set things up on the first day wrt. format, etc., but what I currently intend to do is to dump my personal story, dribs and drabs at a time, warts, criticisms, successes, rape (yup, rape...at least, I think it was...I felt nothing)) and all. I'll probably include a little arm-chair psychology quarter-backing, but I'll leave that mostly to you and your comments. And I'll try to keep it tucked away into a wee corner all by itself so you needn't be bothered by it if you so wish.

Your own role will be to make the occasional comment, just so that I'll know whether I have an audience or not!! Pressure's on!

The first tough problem is trying to decide where the story begins. But that's a concern for the next entry.

Just to show you that are off-setting moments as I sort through my collected life, I came across this:. This is why I miss teaching so much. I truly miss it!!


Caring every day, being engaged in life, living with passion and leading with your heart is both frightening and fulfilling. The pain that comes with living this way seems to be the "entry fee" to living life fully.

Keep on caring Rick. Continue to be who you are. Please know in your heart that you enrich our lives.


(This was sent to me by one of my students when I was off work for two months for Chronic Clnical Depression (I hadn't had my first mania attack to change the diagnosis to bipolar!!)

PEACE and {{{{HUGGGGGZZZZZ} to everyone who want one.!!!

I will always take a hug. I lOVE hugs!!
((((hugs)))) back to you!

I have some catching up to do I'm afraid. School has kept me working my bum off!!

I hope, and believe that you will find peace by writing, and releasing pains of the past here. And hopefully no judgements, as it should be. Just know that whatever has happened in the past, the man that you are today is a kind, caring, beautiful person - and you have touched the lives of many, as you have been touched. We love ya Rick!

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  • I'm Evydense
  • From Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
  • And I'm tired of living in the shadow of narrow-mindedness and ignorance. So here's the fax, Jack! "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred and sixty-two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." - Lynne Lavner*** I'm confused; curious; satisfied; realistically resigned to being a frustrated idealist; usually at peace with myself, but not always. Amazed at how little I know, and wondering how much I need to understand.
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