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The Human Body Is A Strange Place To Live!

[Note: I suspect that anyone reading this blog will certainly find that it is written in a "style" that is not conversational, at least, certainly not the same style I usually write in. I also suspect (....at least, I hope!) that by the time you reach the end of it, you'll understand why!!

If you have not read my blog entry immediately previous to this one concerning suicide, I would strongly recommend it, if for nothing else but perspective]

I think "death", as most of us conceive it on a day-to-day basis, is a frighteningly unknown concept. Most certainly, it is permanent to a human body, and it "takes away" from those who continue to live human lives. I am trying to learn that it has a completely different role. Here's where it's hard to choose words that don't offend, because our language doesn't contain the proper words, so we can only use what comes "close". In my mind, we associate death ONLY with the finality of the physical aspect of who we are, which is a very eliminating definition. We are all so much more than that.

Truth. Our bodies shall all cease to exist. Period. Some as diseased babies at birth, some as old and wizened, needing other bodies to care for its functions to be taken care of. But that is just day-to-day life. That's not "faith-life" or, as I choose to refer to it "spirit-life." It is the part of who I am that holds goodness and evil, wisdom, and humour, hatred and love, understanding and empathy. It is the seat of emotion. It is the harbour of morality. And we all possess some of it, in some combination. It cannot be denied. It is the purpose for the human body that you possess to exist.

I stumbled last week, because it was not my "spirit-life" that was about to end my physical existence. Here's where it gets to sound "mentally-ill" to those who won't or don't at least allow for an alternative view of our existence. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my cat's spirit, through mine, let me know I was wrong. It was quite simply the wrong thing at the wrong time.

I don't feel angry. I don't feel scared. I don't really feel anything except a strengthening of my belief in a more positive force that can always pull me, or obviously anyone for that matter, forward. We talk of pain as if it's something to be avoided at all costs. But without experiencing various forms, types and depths of pain how can we learn about them or counter them, or even make them a part of us? How can we "move" from our five-sensoried body into our "guiding spirit", the part of us that will continue on long after our bodies are dust in the wind.

Sure, it sounds like I've been unduly burdened with more than my "share" of pain and hardship. I probably have even from time to time exaggerated them a bit, or they have perhaps been read out of the context I intended. When I talk about all my troubles, the talk is coming from my body, not my spirit. My spirit is strong enough to handle it, or it wouldn't be tested this way. At some point, my particular spirit will be through with all it needs from my body, and will let it go in some manner. It doesn't mean my character, my influence, my being, my mark , my contributions have suddenly been erased, forever to be forgotten. It simply means my body stopped functioning. Just like we junk old cars when they no longer serve their purpose.

My error was that I forgot that I had a higher wisdom, a higher spirit to guide me. A lot of people refer to that as "god". I don't. I see them as quite different conceptual things. The one thing these two concepts share, however, in my mind, are that they are more powerful than I (the physical Rick) shall ever be, but shall ever strive to be nonetheless.

I have an overwhelming burning desire to explore the outer reaches of this spirit, both the "white" side AND it's "black" side, because I believe that experience of exploration will give me a more solid base for my pillars of character that I have spoken of in recent blogs: Honesty, Integrity, Morality and Trust. If I am to explore the aspects that strengthen these pillars, however, I must also explore their weaknesses. An engineer doesn't always send the divers down to study the strengths in a bridge's foundations; often it is to find where they need shoring up, where thay might have a tendency to collapse if not attended to.

That was the mistake I was making these past few weeks. Whether it was conscious or not I'm not certain ....I can even easily give credibility to the possibility that the strength to explore in my case comes from this fairly unique brain configuration I've been blessed with.....not only being bipolar, but having Menieres coupled with that. I am who I am. Of that, there is no doubt. In our "day-to-day" existence, we tend to default and restrict not only our personal existence but the existence of others, both friends, strangers and lovers to the mundane existence of the human body reality. There is so much more to life. Even after death.

I stumbled. Of that, I'm certain. As a result, I probably put too many words here on my blog, forgetting that other real people were reading them and caring about what they said. It touches me at a very emotional level that that is the case. Strange as this may sound, though, I neither can nor will apologize for any discomfort or negative emotion my words may have brought forth in some of you, no matter what the depth. I shall try to explain why that is not a cold-hearted statement.

I examine the third quote at the start of my blog, and don't think it the least bit ironic that some years back, when I had my first manic episode, I wrote literally hundreds of pages developing a theory of existence I chose to call 'is'. Some of it made it into my very very early blogs, if your were to check back in the archives. And most comments, as I recall, were of the nature "I don't have a clue what you're talking about, but it sounds interesting" kind of reaction.

At the time, I remember being so completely frustrated, because our language (English) simply doesn't have the words or sentence structures that I could use to convey to others some ideas that were profoundly deep and revealing....and obvious.... to me. I understand that. I understand why others weren't able or interested to "work it out". It was the story of the Tower of Babel. And because I was babbling this "gibberish", I was, by the five-sensory model of the human, deemed by the medical community (the ones who have been identified as "experts in their field") to be "sick in the head" and a regimen of drugs started getting pumped into my body system to bring me back to "normal" again. That has gone on for several years now.

In the interim, I have read a book called the "Chaos Theory" and been profoundly affected by thoughts of mine that arose from my 'is' thinking and the combination of the ideas expressed as a part of Chaos Theory. Even more profoundly, however, and this is an example of what I consider to be Karma, when I was taking myself to the hospital this week, suffering from a deep depression, I gathered about 15 books to take with me, strange as that might sound! It is not coincidence that I ended up in the same hospital, in the same ward, in the same room and in the same bed as I was in when I first starting having my thoughts that extended beyonded the human body.

It is also not coincidence, that, of the 15 books I had taken with me, the one I selected to read was called "The Seat Of The Soul" by Gary Zukov. Please excuse the expression, but I felt like I was having mental orgasms with every page I turned. Combining all this input and all these ideas in a way that no one has ever done before, and out of that thinking growing new ones, thus being able to create a more solid model of who we are, what existence means, how the soul relates to spirit, why we occupy different stations in life...the list is endless simply gave me tingles. One of the primary concepts in the model that I had developed as "my own" involved always to be seeking to close every circle to obtain neutrality, and therefore perfect balance. And here I was, in this bed, some years later, simply one physical example of the infinite model.

I am totally prepared to accept the idea that I was supposed to act as I did when I did so that I would end up in that bed that day with that book. It has given me energy and ideas that I am excited to try and capture, in a different way this time. Perhaps I'll move further towards understanding myself, perhaps I'll be certified as an irreconcilable looney-tunes and find out what the inside of a rubber room looks like.

The other thing far, far more significant thing that it achieved for me, of a very personal nature is that for the first time in the 59 years of my human life, I was able to not have, but to comfortably have a deep, revealing, touching, loving and caring discussion with my oldest brother. That is something that I would not even have considered a possibility, prior to this event. It was as natural as eating apple pie with ice cream. You may be unable to project the importance of that "freedom" I now feel; All I can tell you is that it is bountifully liberating to me. I gained a brother this week, who up until now had simply been a child born of the same parents as I.

All I'll point out is that the "expert" doctor that I've been seeing for four and a half years is on holidays for a few months, so I was assigned to another doctor, one who is considered very highly in the pharmacological field. He has completely changed the combination of drugs I've been taking, and, taking into account the placebo effect, I feel almost "instantly" "better" whatever that means. As an example, my previous doctor had me taking 5 dexedrine tablets a day....which is a quantity exceeding the maximum daily recommended dose in the States. This doctor eliminated them completely....overnight. I asked him this morning how long it should be before I started feeling the effects of that, and he said "Aren't you feeling them yet?". And who is he? Simply another man who chose "medicine" as his field of study, and therefore became known as another man identified as an "expert" in the world of the five-sensorial body. Can they both be "right".? Is one incompetent? Is there simply more than a single answer to a given problem? Doctors, medicine, science itself limits itself to "The Scientific Method". As long as we demand that nothing is worthy of consideration unless it meets the requirements of that model, then ideas that are generating in my head at this moment will always be dismissed as the babblings of a sick mind. They don't "fit" the Scientific Model.

That is a tragedy.

And so, yes, I stumbled. I brought ugliness and cheap accusations into my blog, and played one person against another. I had retreated into being a sick human being, instead of being who I, and each of you, can't help but be......a spirit-person. But in balance with that ugliness, there was an abundance of positive growth. To me, that is enough.

I am aware that this blog sounds a bit "stuffy". I just ask you to "read through and past" the stuffiness, and read the message in your own way, put it into your own life experiences. Give it a chance for credibility. Just a crack of a chance is enough. I'm hoping you'll discover something....a thought, an idea, a perspective, a forgiveness.....something....anything......that you didn't have before.

That will be one of the things that will have made writing this blog worthwhile from my perspective.

PEACE to you, and pass it on


I am so thrilled that you are here in body as well as in spirit. Enough said.
Seems to me after reading your latest post....that your writing is calmer...the words flow.....I 'read' acceptance...and wonder! I 'read' life and being and growing spiritually. There is a definite positive change in your writing. I love Gary Zukov and I have read 'The Seat of the Soul' and saw an interview of him on Oprah a year ago.
Today I don't feel pain in your post and between the lines....I read a new beginning...a better understanding....can I even say a calmer...more peaceful Rick?
Don't tell me its the new meds? just kidding..
That is why I'm so excited about Eckhart Tolle's latest book...'A New Earth'......every page I read...I'm nodding my head...the lightbulb is on...I feel peace stealing over me.....and I believe that every few years we get a prophet or Messiah...a teller of truth...who brings us a message. I would send you this book Rick...this instant...but I signed up at Oprah's website...oprah.com and registered for the 10 week seminar...and I look forward to it. If you haven't bought the book yet....do it.....so far 360,000 people have registered for the seminar on-line free....and it hasn't started yet. I believe its because so many of us are searching for 'our truth' and our reason for being. After the 10-week seminar I'll be happy to send you the book...although it will be 'high-lighted' on every page.
I hope you can join me if you can...this will be the biggest classroom on earth.....an awakening to our life's purpose. If you want to explore your spirit Rick....this would be a great way of doing it. (We can do it together and compare notes.) There will be homework and study...etc..

I am so thrilled you had this deep, caring discussion with your brother. I don't believe in coincidences...everything happens for a reason.
Rick you need not apologize for anything you said or
implied....we all do what we have to for survival of our body or spirit...but I believe now that it is a part of growing and evolving......that is why I can't wait to take this seminar and 'awake to my life's purpose' and grow spiritually, go wherever it takes me.
I sense..Rick that you are a very spiritual being...in none of your past posts do I find any materialistic wants....just a universal hunger of the spirit.....to be acknowledged...loved...and accepted. Don't we all?
I'll be back Rick...hang in there. Like you.....I've had more than my share of burdens....but I have an indomitable spirit that won't let me give up or give in....my spirit is trying to tell me something...and its my job to listen and learn.
I'm curious to know a lot more about Eckhart Tolle....so far... from what I read he came very close to suicide himself...and yet he is a spiritual teacher taking his message throughout the world. I truly believe I was meant to read this book at this special time in my life...and I'm up for the challenge.
And Rick...you don't get through life without stumbling, falling or screwing up....that's a part of life...how we learn and grow. Not only have I stumbled plenty...I really wiped out a few times.
Talk to you soon...and that wasn't stuffy at all...that was straight off the cuff....honest and thought-provoking.
Thanks and peace to you...my friend.

An excerpt pg 41 of 'A New Earth'.

One thing we do know: Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.

(hmmm...makes you think..doesn't it?) Life is sure trying to tell me something! lol.

Wow! Matty!

I don't really know how to respond to this.

I appreciate that you read a "patient and more calmer Rick" and don't read the pain between the lines. Perhaps it has lessened, I don't really know. I do know two things though:

1) It's still there to some degree, and
2) there are a lot of beautiful people in the world. (And of course, I mean "soulfully" beautiful). The supposrtive comments and e-mails that I've received from folks truly have helped me through a very dark and scary period of my life. I am always aware that it may happen again, I don't know what triggers it. I obviously suspect it is in someway related to being bipolar, but I don't want to use that as an excuse.

But I do thank you, and all the others who have lent support to me. Don't any of you, please, for an instant think your words or your concern were wasted, even if I didn't respond directly to them.

I am aware that what I have been writing lately has been disturbing and upsetting to some of you folks. I don't do that intentionally, believe me. Well, come to think of it, yeah, maybe I do. I suspect I do it as a kind of therapy. By letting it all go in a public forum this way purges me. The price, unfortunately, is that it upsets and worries some very close and dear "internet friends" that I've made over the past few years.

All I can say to that is, "Share your joys, and they're doubled. Share your pain, and it's halved.". Thank you, to all my friends and strangers alike, for helping to share this current pain with me. It is a treasured gift, and is immensely valued, and always shall be remembered.

I know there has been a "selfish" element that has woven its way through all of this, thinking of myself instead of the worry it might cause you and the others. But realizing and hearing about the "worry" has helped me understand that it's not selfish at all to ask for help, and to do it sooner than I have had a tendency to do. "Fight your own battles, no one else cares" mentality has been pervasive throughout my life.

An affirmation here, now. I have a "right" to be selfish, in the sense that I have the right to be who I am. That was a significant part of the discussion I had with my brother. On any non-trivial decision or direction I've considered in my past, it has, unspoken, but strongly and mentally, begun with the deterministic caveat "What would the family think if....". I won't say now that I no longer care, but I can certainly say now that it won't be the deciding, overwhelming factor. I will be that factor. That decision-maker. Of course, I don't want any of them to worry or fret because of me...the same thing I wish for all of you, but I think I have finally got it through my thick skull that sometimes that is the price to be paid. And others can "handle". I suspect, having reflected a great deal the last while obviously, that I have projected my own perspective and identity far too much onto others. Up until now, I think the word 'martyr' might easily be applied to me. In other words, sacrifice your own wants, needs, desires if they are in conflict with anyone else's. Always default to the other guy's wishes. Well, while that will still be a consideration, from now on I think it will be more of a "mental negotiation" with myself, rather than a clear dictate. I prefer that much more over the word "selfish". Selfish denies others completely. "Mental negotiation" doesn't.

I just wish I could find the words to express how liberating a feeling that is for me. Will it last? Time and future will tell. It lasts today, and for today, that's all that matters.

So, thanks again to all of you, and if I may, particularly the "special ones". You know who you are!

I don't know if this makes sense to you or anyone else. I hope so. The irony is that what has always been true in my life in the past has simply been reinforced by this most recent experience of mine. "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger".

I feel stronger today. Much stronger. And perhaps that is where the "spill-over" to paying more attention to the Rick-spirit that you address has entered more of my conscious thought and wonderment of late.

With love and peace


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  • I'm Evydense
  • From Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
  • And I'm tired of living in the shadow of narrow-mindedness and ignorance. So here's the fax, Jack! "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred and sixty-two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." - Lynne Lavner*** I'm confused; curious; satisfied; realistically resigned to being a frustrated idealist; usually at peace with myself, but not always. Amazed at how little I know, and wondering how much I need to understand.
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