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Suicide...gutless, a plea for help, or reality speaking?

On Friday, I tried to, and almost killed myself intentionally. I had gotten all my medications out, and was about ready to start swallowing,hoping it would be painless and quick. I was just finishing some brief notes to the very few people left in my life, when my cat came into the kitchen and started behaving in the most unusual way I have ever witnessed.

I knew she was giving me a message. I believe there have to be karmic connections out there somewhere. So, I phoned emergency instead of swallowing any pills, got a cab, and after spending the day at the hospital, the three psychiatrists on duty decided it would be safe for me to return home for the weekend. I'll be making an emergency appointment with my own doctor when he returns on Tuesday, and am pretty certain he'll be admitting me for a lengthier stay, for observation and rest if nothing else.

I'm just so weary of it all. I know we each have our own burdens to bear, and obviouly yours are just as important to you as mine are to me. I know I've done some good things with my life. I've done things I deeply regret, but can never undo. I know some of the people who will read this blog are recipients of some of what I've done. I also know others are a part of the cause that have lead me to the brink I'm at now. And I know there are things that I've accomplished, good and bad, that no one will ever know about. We all play our parts.

I know I'm sick in many ways, and my physical systems are shutting down on me. I believe....whether true or not is totally irreleant when it involves a matter of belief.... I have a spirit-presence that will out-survive this temporary "body-vessel" we refer to as "human being". I told someone whom I'm very close to in an e-mail just a week ago that I'm not at all afraid of being dead, I'm just scared of the process of dying.

Gutless, selfish, weary, mentally ill, pick any reason or purpose you care to that works for you. The bottom line is that, no matter what the reason, or what anyone else thinks or feels, I'm tired of the struggle. I want to blow the final whistle and head for the locker room,.....win, lose or tie. It doesn't really matter. The game is over, at least mine is.

As an individual, I'm not the least bit important. As a piece of the universe, I'm indispensable and I shall always remain so.

I'll never understand how a person can live without a conscience. I believe they need more help than I or anyone else. I don't know how all this will turn out for me. Probably the same as always. I'll somehow get through this crisis with yet another chunk of srength and self-image gone, chopped off, peeled away, exposed.

I don't feel like "talking" about it. But I felt the few of you who have taught me so much over the past two years deserve some final thoughts.

I have lived a good life.

I have always given the benefit of doubt.

I have always trusted until given a reason not to, and even then have gone on trusting because it's the right thing to do.

I have been a naive simpelton.

I have been taken advantage of, and not cared about it.

On balance, I have contributed far more than I have ever taken, and I don't mean in a materialistic way.

I have left a posiitive footprint that will last forever.

I have placed expectations on myself that have been far too high to ever achieve.

I have always been ashamed of who I am and who I turned out to be.

The biggest hole in my life has been the lack of ever have had a partner or soulmate to share my earth-life with..

I have been a simple, trusting, caring gentleman.

It's the last characteristic that finally became my downfall.

The bad guys have won.

That's a tragedy.

Love to you all.



May you find what you're looking for. I've come to understand that my simple, personal tragedy is that I didn't. I have come to terms with my mortality. I hope, if I am to be remembered at all that, after the initial tears that our culture always dictates be produced, that I will be remembered joyously, and not with grief or sadness. Because underneath all the pain I feel, and can no longer find a way to cope with, I like who I am. I can only hope you do too.

I am at peace.

To be honest Rick, I have read this post a few times.
I felt like a coward for not commenting but I feel that there is nothing I can say.
What words could I choose to ease your pain?
Though I have suffered from depression & anxiety I do not know the true pain of Bipolarism.
I do not have your health problems. I do not know your hearts ache.
I do know that your life is worthwhile.
I do know there are people who care about you.

I wish you brighter days my friend.
I wish you Peace.

Mackey: Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and bless you for your thoughts. I hope that what I say in the following blog entry will ease some of your concern for me and others like me. After all, and I don't mean this to sound facetious at all, we're ALL the same. We just face different problems and pains. But we all feel them nonetheless.

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  • I'm Evydense
  • From Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
  • And I'm tired of living in the shadow of narrow-mindedness and ignorance. So here's the fax, Jack! "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred and sixty-two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." - Lynne Lavner*** I'm confused; curious; satisfied; realistically resigned to being a frustrated idealist; usually at peace with myself, but not always. Amazed at how little I know, and wondering how much I need to understand.
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