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Gratitude: def-n: An appreciative awareness and thankfulness, as for kindness shown or something received.

Folks, I need to respond to your supportive comments these past days. They have meant a lot to me, I hope you believe that.

I'm a loner with not much self-respect, as you have no doubt determined. And yes, in spite of your comments to the contrary, my sarcasm and negative criticism hurts others at times. Even knowing that, I continue it. In my mind, that is wrong. When I start cycling, I feel that I can solve the world's issues, if only people would listen to me. That is the arrogance that I spoke of.

I switch between ups and downs...it's difficult for me to go very long at even keel, and frankly, it's ripping me apart. It's not that I get depressed or hypomanic from time to time that bothers me as much as the fact that on any given day at any given time I can be at any given "mood", without reason or explanation. I'm used to wearing masks and pretending I'm something I'm not. I've done it all my life. But it takes so much more effort to try and hide emotions, which is where I'm at now. It's beating me down, slowly but surely.

For example, yesterday I was helping my best friend and his son build a deck on their house, and I just sat down and started bawling my head off. I'm crying again now as I write this. Grown men don't cry. I'm sick. I'm trapped.

A couple weeks ago, I started to reveal too much about myself. I wish I could take it all back, but I can't. Then, already distressed by all that, I said harsh things that caused DJB to leave this group. I had no right to say those things. I messed up a good thing for all of you. That's pretty much been my track record.

I appreciate your comments hoping that I'll "return" to the group. But, please, DJB belongs in your group. I hope you're able to get him back with you. He was a backbone in a way, and I feel devastated that I have crippled your group this way.

I'm writing this entry to offer all of you my gratitude, and accept your kindnesses. I feel that I'm unworthy of your words, but I understand that you offer them with sincerity. I'm not used to that, so it's difficult for me. I lived with criticism for anything short of perfection, and I've never really been able to come to terms with that, I suppose because it would mean criticizing my folks.

I'm not used to that either, even at my age, so it's difficult for me too.



You're too hard on yourself, Rick.

Oh wow, I wish I knew what has happened. I hope you are okay, I hate that you are having a difficult time. I have no idea what is going on. I looked at your recent previous posts and still don't know & some of them are gone and daddyjarbucks blog is just gone which worries me to no end. I'm so confused. Can somebody email me or something and tell me what is going on?

An update. Look folks, I certainly didn't and don't mean to be a drama queen or anything here, nor make this whole thing any bigger than it is. This will be the last I'll speak of this I hope. I just had an e-mail from DJB, and he assured me that I was wrong in assuming he had shut down his blog because of the unkind things I had said. He has other reasons, and will be back sometime, but wants to back off from blogging and fractals for awhile.

It's ironic. In the first few months of my blog, I was Johnny one-note, preaching tolerance, tolerance, tolerance. It turns out that you are all the ones who taught me what it truly means. Thank you for that.

Oliviah...you can stop worrying!!

(P.S. I removed the entries of mine that I felt were offensive...that's why some of the more recent ones are missing)

You have no reason to take back anything. You are an intelligent person with your own view on things & that is perfectly normal.
You are a great guy Rick. Don't sell yourself short.

Stay strong and I hope you can work through it all. Be well.

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  • I'm Evydense
  • From Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
  • And I'm tired of living in the shadow of narrow-mindedness and ignorance. So here's the fax, Jack! "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred and sixty-two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." - Lynne Lavner*** I'm confused; curious; satisfied; realistically resigned to being a frustrated idealist; usually at peace with myself, but not always. Amazed at how little I know, and wondering how much I need to understand.
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