“Set priorities for your goals. A major part of successful living lies in the ability to put first things first. Indeed, the reason most major goals are not achieved is that we spend our time doing second things first.” - anon

“Getting in touch with your true self must be your first priority.” - Tom Hopkins

“The necessary has never been man's top priority. The passionate pursuit of the nonessential and the extravagant is one of the chief traits of human uniqueness. Unlike other forms of life, man's greatest exertions are made in the pursuit not of necessities but of superfluities.” - Eric Hoffer

“E-commerce businesses, even e-commerce specialists, have yet to realize that the WWW is first and foremost an emotional experience. Few websites reflect this important priority.” - Grant Fairley




I'm listless. I'm restless.

After I had my first major manic attack, I attempted to keep my little delivery business going, but I was finding that even it was becoming too overwhelming for me to deal with and keep everything straight: Ordering, accounts receivable, special events, taxes, new accounts --- all the stuff that comes packaged with "Be independent. Be your own boss. Run your own business and never have to be slave to the corporate lackey again". I sold it last November, and have starting drawing a disability pension. With my savings, it's certainly enough as far as money goes to pay the utilities and buy food.

But that's not what life is about. It's not about working two jobs to make money. It's not about putting in the extra weekend shift so your boss won't give you the shitty shift next time. It's not about putting up with the gossipy, pimply, incompetent jerk-off that you may be obliged to work with.

But it's not about getting up every morning and spending a few hours on the computer cruising everyone's sites, saying 'hi', seeing who has the latest and coolest meme, wondering if I'll get more hits today than I did yesterday, leaving comments here and there, and hoping for some back, since it's now the only 'human' connection I really have. Don't get me wrong. It's a wonderful way to start each day. But that's where my day seems to end.

I have literally hundreds of 'projects' accumulated around the house to be done 'some day'. It's either that they're not important enough, I'm not motivated enough, or I've fallen into a spiralling uselessness loop, which probably helps contribute an attitude to my clinically depressed periods. Although I know they'll always be there, I am and have pretty much lost contact with my family. Sure, we still send the occasional weather report, or make a Sunday phone call when the rates are the cheapest (is that still true, or is that from decades ago?). But like I've said before, sadly we don't have a lot in common other than that.

Family is 'supposed' to be priority number 1, isn't it? Obviously, kids are number 1, but how about when that doesn't apply?

I have dozens of 'fix up the house' projects, but I'm not sure I want to stay in this house. It's a huge 3-bedroom, and I live alone. Who needs it?

I have dozens of 'computer' projects. Most of them require learning something new, some product or package or program. Not that I'm adverse to learning, it's just that I'm not very good at it any more. I forget things very easily.

I have dozens of 'reading-writing' projects. I have literally hundreds of unread or partially-read books in the house. I'm a painfully slow reader --- hence the partially-read ones. I do a lot of writing, but usually on scraps of paper lying around. I don't really keep my written thoughts in any kind of order or file.

I have dozens of 'hobby' projects. I still want to copy a lot of my music from LP's to CD's, but don't have the foggiest how to do it. Maybe that should be under computer project. Most of my hobbies have been 'collecting' hobbies. I have hundreds of movies on VCR tapes that I want to catalogue. I have computer games on floppy disks from when disks used to be floppy. I want to have a garage sale this fall, but the thought of putting it together and running it, and hoping I'm having a good day then --- again, the overwhelming, defeated surge starts rising from my gut every time I even just think of it. I have to figure out a way to get rid of all the 'junk', and I'm loathe to just 'throwing things out'.

I have dozens of 'volunteer' projects. There are organizations, help groups, volunteer organizations that I keep thinking I'll get involved with. I rationalize that it'll get me out of the house, probably get to know other people and build up a social circle again. And then I remember that on a lot of days now, the last thing in the world is a social life.

I lack consistency in my life now, and it's playing the shits with setting priorities.

So, do I just keep drifting forever? Do I lock onto just one thing, and let everything else go? Three things? What things?

Without goal, without purpose, without direction.

Those voids leave room for doubt and uncertainty and self-debasement. What I'm sometimes afraid of, sometimes resigned to, and sometimes unable to comprehend is that some day they'll lead to something a lot more grave than that. The doctor keeps asking me if I have any thoughts of 'hurting myself'. What he means to be asking me is am I going to commit suicide before he sees me next time, but you don't use words like that in case it puts an idea in my head or something I guess. That certainly would not be original thought in my case.

Don't be alarmed. I'm not entertaining such thoughts. But I'm not stupid. I know the numbers. I know that 1 in 5 people diagnosed bipolar commit suicide. So the odds are higher than most, but they're still 80% in favour of me NOT doing the nasty. I think actually it's better in my case because I even have trouble killing insects that get in the house---I'll catch them and let them out.

So, what options do I have? What priorities should I be setting? I think my only choices are to offer whatever I have left to help out others whenever I can in whatever way I can. I've been helped more times in my past than I care to count. People have always come through for me when needed the most. Sometimes family, sometimes friends, sometimes relatives, sometimes relative strangers. The one thing I believe probably more strongly than anything else is 'giving back'.

The purpose of priorities is to give purpose.

I started out with the intention of asking:

"How do you decide what is a priority?"
"Do you have anything that trumps everything?"
"Do you plan each day, or just let it flow?"

PEACE.

Posted by Evydense on Wednesday, July 26, 2006 at 8:05 a.m. | Permalink