« Home | I Don't Think I Know What To Say..... » | 40 Days...... » | Happy Birthday! » | On Love » | OK, Kiddies, Today's Lesson Is Brought To You By T... » | A Lesson In Counting » | Can, Care, Caring » | Self-worthiness » | The Courage To Be Kind » | I Don't Know What To Call This One »

Just Jump In...The Water's Fine!

Do not fear risk. All exploration, all growth is calculated. Without challenge people cannot reach their higher selves. Only if we are willing to walk over the edge can we become winners.” - unknown

Well, hello again! I can't give any assurnces that I'm back on a regular basis, or just this once...but here I am!

Again, and always, I have to let you know that my gratitude for all your supportive comments always tries to make itself exceed your thoughts for me, and it's a boost that helps.

Just as a quick BTW for any readers who may stumble upon this and not have a clue, here's the scoop. Almost 4 years ago now, I was diagnosed as bipolar. I already had been told I had Menieres Disease (ear and balance problems). I'm a, virgin homophobic gay. By that, I don't mean I hate gays, obviously,,,I'm just not at all comfortable with the cocept, and I do generally hate myself, but probably more on that in later blogs.

I won't do the whole story here, or it'll take forever. Suffice it to say, that when I'm at the peak of one of my manic attacks (3 times now in the past 4 years) one of the characteristics is that I madly try to write down every thought I'm having. I'm convinced at the time that they are the most brilliant thought, breakthroughs, wanderings, musings, poetry that have ever been written. I would also carry a dictaphone with me, in case I thought of someting while driving or something like that, etc.

Those who used to read my blog on a fairly regular basis know that I'm a collector. It just seems such a shame to throw anything out when there may be a use for it/them later. Well, I have a complete file drawer full of these notes and some transcribed tape transcripts. I started reading through some of them two nights ago for the first time since they were written, and quite frankly, became a little bit fascinated with it all!

I know! I know! All the experts say you should destroy this kind of note without reading them. So, I'm doing it under the bedcovers at night with a flashlight...big deal. Seriously, from what I read, I think there's a lot of "self-help" therapy in there. There's some painful stuff. There's some personal stuff. There's some stuff I can't make out what it either says or means. A lot of it isn't dated, so it won't necessarily be presented in the order it was written.

Any further questions....just ask your friendly host...he knows everything about this!! For the next few blogs at least, I think I'll just air out some of my brain and see how it goes. Now I'm going to do something now that is very bad-blog-manners I think. I'm going to actually ask for comments, both supportive as well as critique-al. May I encourage comments, and not meaning to sound rude, but sometimes make them beyond the "Yeah I get it" kind. I know time is at a premium. but I'm curious to know if any of these ever touches any of you at more than a superficial level. You gotta promise me to be honest about that! No pretending! I'm going to try and joinf the Bipolar Ring and see if I contact more friends that way too.


That's a scary word. Probably one of the scariest words in the holy bible of scary words.

But I decided that I'm going to take at least an initial risk, and put some of these thoughts I'm uncovering and expose myself to them again "out there".

I'm actually doing this for three reasons:

1) for myself, to see where my thinking was back then.

2) Perhaps to give others who trip across this page and the pages to follow a little insight into the mind of a bipolar person, and bipolarism itself. (y'know.....I just gotta say this. I've been typing that word "bipolarism" quite a bit over the last four years, and DAMMIT, every single time I do, I see "polar bears". It's like hiccups that just won't stop. I don't pretend to speak for all folks who have been diagnosed this way, but it has certainly caused me to make HUGELY different life choices for myself as a result of having it.

3) Because I consider a bunch of you very close cyber-friends. And friends often just are there. Right now, it's good to know you're "just there."

I found largely that my writing falls into two categories; either the witty one-liner (for which I take no credit nor can give any source...I Think they're original....I just can't claim it!) or a mildly philosophical model on what's wrong with the Universe and how it should be fixed. I also wrote an awful lot about family. I'm going to leave those parts out for now, perhaps later I'll include some.

I also make a lot of references to god. I was developingd and had just documented the perfect solution to the universe...it puts all other theories to rest once and for all, and I'm decoding the English alphabet as a code that visitors to Earth left for us long ago, figuing that if they left enough versions of language around the globe, sooner or later someone would break the code. And I had!! A lot of it critically depends on the placement of symbols on a page. I can't replicate them here, so I'll leave out reference to them (unless there's a partcularly good one which I'll scan in. Let's see, also at that time I was writing a book about my experiences as being bipolar, and you might see me from time to time throughout the following blogs speak of "The Adventure". That, also, is something I'm not ptrepared to talk about yet. It may come eventually. After all, remember it was just a year ago I couldn't type the word 'gay' without going and washing my hands afterwards.

Finally, I'll separate pages from each other by my wonderful Mel-created row of flowers!

Got all that? Let's get started!

(P.S. You regulars may norice a change in the style of writing in this blog. I do. I don't like what that may mean.


Hey Evy -- I haven't left a comment in a while, but I just wanted to say it's good to see you back, and I'm glad you're sharing your thoughts and words with us. I hope you're doing okay... :)

Glad to see you're back. I've been checking in almost every day. I'm ready to travel with you...perhaps on your journey I may recognize myself in your words.

Lisa: Thanks, but don't be too premature on the "I'm glad you're sharing...". I can tell you now, parts of that are going to be very rough on me. But then again, that's why I'm doing it!

As far as "doing okay"....honesty makes me say I've been better than this. I'm workin' on it, though!

Matty: You are a trooper, aren't you? It's so good to hear I'll have a "travelling companion". I think each of us is in everyone else a little bit, don't you? It's a weird concept, I know, but the mere fact that someone else has made any kind of contact with me has unalterably changed my life from what it would have been if the contact had not taken place.

When I start writing long explanations like this, it's one of the signs of another on-coming "attack". I had forgotten, but in re-reading the material, some of it is dated just last May, and now I remember "riding out" another attack here at home, mostly because I didn't want to be bored all day in the hospital!!

If you don't mind me asking, when you say you may recognize yourself, may I ask if you're bipolar as well?

Post a Comment

Links to this post

Create a Link

  • I'm Evydense
  • From Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
  • And I'm tired of living in the shadow of narrow-mindedness and ignorance. So here's the fax, Jack! "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred and sixty-two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." - Lynne Lavner*** I'm confused; curious; satisfied; realistically resigned to being a frustrated idealist; usually at peace with myself, but not always. Amazed at how little I know, and wondering how much I need to understand.
More of Me