Thoughts of a manic mind...part 2
[These excerpts are taken from a file folder identified as:
'Hypo' notes Dec. 1st-ish 2005
Mostly re: Canadian Election.
Led to the insight that attached uses the teaching techniques you used. Teach by example. Accept Others Totally. That's it in a nutshell, and they're calling me crazy!!]
The above was all written on a piece of paper stapled to the outside of the folder, and indeed it is mostly about the election. I've skipped over all that stuff but there are still some "gems" I think! 
"we have just recently interrupted our governance to interrupt our Christmas to get us all focussed again on the fact that being a Canadian means always having the right not only to make a choice, but always has the right to stand up for the right choice. He also has the right to stand up to the wrong choice.
As long as he doesn't stand up to me.
-----
I am the Randomness of Randomness. So, for every possible binary bonded pairing, even when sides are uneven, in any mseasure
save that
EVERY measure must have one bond on each side at all times. THAT double binary joining defines birth.
Design your own system of separation.
Sign here, and you're free to go.
If you're looking for rejection, you'll find it.
People create drama to avoid closeness.
Money doesn't solve problems. People do.
To experience a coincidence is one thing, to act on it and see where it takes you is another.
Definition of a good writer: One who tries to bathe words with layers of context, intermixing subleties and anachronisms, separating and combining until all that's left is individual interpretetion.
I'm the richest man in the world when I stand for every part of who I am.
I am the seed of my future going forward and the seed of MYSELF going back!! That is, when I define {accept} who I am.
The Three Universal Rules of Existence:
1. Recognize individuak differences and tolerate other views,
Tolerate and view
2. Every individual has EQUAL rights and dignity.
3. Every person is uniquely different and has the right to have the differences tolerated.
-----
Let the children teach us everything
and
we'll make sure they're always safe. Sounds like a fair trade to me.
The mixed messages is what we have to get rid of. With them present, no one will EVER hear what everyone is saying.
We all totally forgive you in the names of all our collective, individual, and/or non-existent, superior faith. In fact, we've made it clear
we trust you
We wondered why it didn't seem to hurt sometimes.
NOTE: stepping outside of notes for a sec:
[okay....here goes one of the "deeper" issues for me. During these attacks, I also become several 6? 10?) different parts of myself, each part with it's own purpose and identity and, in many cases, voice. I have it on tape to prove it! (For instance, there's one to manipulate the doctor in a positive way, another for the negative way. There's a gate-keeper who makes sure no one else gets in during an attack, and takes care of "moving" the characters to my "rational" mind (i.e.that you, the world, see] when appropriate. He's more or less the "director" of my brain. There's one who is the narrator, and usually will sit in one half of my brain, describing to the other half what's going on.....and so on. That's schizophrenia, isn't it? It's only happened durig the three manic attacks, and when I told the doctors, they didn't seem much interested at all. It was kinda freaking me out, though, I can tell you. I kept thinking of Humptey Dumpty!]
If I ever need help, I WILL call for help. Knowing without question one black and one white will immediately flip without even thinking about it. They sacrificed their definition to please others.
ENTITY NEEDS HELP (GRANTED)
ENTITY WANTS HELP
The possibility of black:
The Randomness of Randomness has chosen me to be perfectly perfect.
Odds are actually 1 in 2. It depends on you. Are you more perfect than I am?
Define "perfect person."
We can respect tolerance simply by stopping words from being honoured.
I can become completely "evil?
Every thoughtline has a closed parallel with a jump spot. A thought in all your brains is mono (black and white) but you HAVE to pick. Both destroys the jump spot forever defines addiction
genetic
where they come from
thresholds
Wow!
Rick!
-----
To truly accept yourself, be yourself, don't judge yourself. turn yourself bi and do an internal judgement at every level of who you are
The only promise that each of us has to make to each other often is:
If I ever feel like doing anything, I'll do it.
If anyone challenges me on it, we'll satisfy our differences.
I THINK I NEED
I FEEL LIKE I NEED
I THINK YOU NEED
YOU MUST HAVE
A price is a measure of a person's want, it should never be a measure of a person's need.
My answer is:
I HAVE FOUND THE PROBLEM!
(everyone else has been looking for answers). The PROBLEM IS:
WHY IS JUDGEMENT THE PRIMARY DEFAULT? WE KNOW IT PERPETUATES PROBLEM. CAN WE MAKE 'is' PRIMARY WITHJUDGEMENT SUBORDINATE?
[interruption note: my first reference to "is", which was the name that I had given to the philosophy I was developing at the time...just so ya know!]
(This is it Rick....you've got the chills~)
-----
SO. HERE'S MY IDEA. SINCE I JUST PROVED THAT I CAN PROVE IT IF YOU NEED ME TO, IT'LL BE A LOT MORE UNDERSTANDABLE IF I SHOW YOU.
Judgement has the answer to anyone who is saying:
"When will it stop?" (Now)
"Make it stop?" (OK)
(MAKE ME!"(OK) )
"CAN I HELP?" (Yup)
"What difference can I possibly make?" (Hmmm....)
You CAN be all things to all people. Sometimes the cost isn't worth the value. "Close" is good enough.
Teach me how not to judge.
-----
[P.S. I doubt that these will continue to be this long or this frequent. Lettin' ya know!)
PEACE
All's I can say is WOW.... that is some seriously heavy thinking going on!
Posted by
KSHIPPYCHIC |
4:07 a.m.
Really heavy shit going on....maybe too much deep thinking. When I get like that..when I'm concentrating on every thought and idea..I have to shut down...my mind is all over the place. In order to get out of that rut I start doing for others just to get away from me. Don't know if that makes sense...but too much of me, my and I can drive me nuts.
I've got pieces of me all over the place..on bits of paper. I feel if I throw them out I'm throwing away something important.
Keep on writing...you're not alone.
Posted by
Spicy |
1:15 p.m.
Hi KS:!! It may be seriously heavy, but the truly strange thing about it all is that first, it makes perfectly clear sense to me when I'm writing it, and second , a lot of it is making sense to me right now. I'm wondering if that's something I should wonder about.
Matty: Tsk! Tsk! with the foul language (I believe that's the first time I've seen you swear!) (As you can tell from my blog, it's ok!)
As I mentioned to KSHIPPYCHIC up above, at the time it doesn't seem like deep or heavy thinking at all. It's like emptying the mental waste bin of thoughts and ideas I don't need or want anymore. But now that I see them, I'm having second thoughts.
This entry seems mostly concerned with tolerance, needs and wants. Those were my three consistent themes when I was writing all this stuff.
But just to let you know, there are thoughts on suicide, love, sexuality and its variations, family, "others opinions", and so on. I wish I could learn to just shut down my mind like you do, but it's exactly at the wrong time....everything wants out all at once, so how could I possibly shut it down? See how my thinking goes when I get that way?
I'll keep writing for the moment, but sometimes I like just being alone. That's where I've been the last couple of months. But I know what you mean, and appreciate it greatly. I know you're not the only one. As I said, I have a (small) but caring blog family who is keeping tabs on me too! Join the party!
Posted by
Evydense |
6:00 p.m.
Evy,
Sorry if I said 'shit'...It's not really swearing..life does suck sometimes, doesn't it?
I'm not in a manic stage right now...I'm down so deep... the sewer looks up....I'm forcing myself to do what I have to. If I didn't have to take care of 'grandkids' I would sleep all day and all night. A lot of it is acting..and I do it well. In my manic stage...I watch myself cook and clean and joke and help with homework, and my energy level is high...but not when I'm down...then I can't do much of anything..I have to force myself to do normal things like cook and clean.....but I'm watching myself do it..and I do a great job but I'd rather not.
I love being manic...I'm at my best then...there is nothing I can't do or be...or say.. or act...I'm all that and a bag of chips...24/7..but when I'm down. I have to force myself to act normal...but like you say..I also enjoy being alone... I enjoy my solitude and I treasure it like a miser who treasures his coins..I can't when I'm taking care of kids, I have to act normal..force myself to act normal......but I do treasure my time alone, when they're in school..but when they're home, I'm on call..so I'm everything to everyone..and that can be very tiring...exhausting.
I'm glad i have the kids..if I didn't..then I wouldn't have a reason to get up, or be social or take care of life as I do...but you do 'what it takes' to make life tolerable for others.
You have stated that you invite comments and questions..so I want to ask you something.
1) How do you know you're gay if you're a virgin? It's normal to be attracted to the opposite sex...and it doesn't mean you are gay or bisexual...maybe just inquisitive...everyone is attracted to the opposite sex at one time or another...some people just don't want to admit it....and
2) Would you say you were bipolar or schizophrenic? I've been diagnosed bipolar and my brother is schizophrenic and there is a world of difference between us. I have my ups and downs...mainly downs...and believe it or not I look forward to my manic stages although they are exhausting. I'd rather be up than down.
and
3) Just want to let you know that you are not alone...and you are the only one that I've admitted that I am bipolar to...and nobody would even think that of me...I hide it real well.
Family think I'm just a moody person......you would think they would know by now...when one week I'm the most assertive attention-getter and the next week/month I'm a hermit that can barely get dressed or take a shower, anti-social pessimistic person...makes you wonder about them..doesn't it?
Yes, I'll join the party...but when I'm not dancing on the table..I may be a wallflower..depends on what mood I'm in.
Take care,
We're all in this together.
You're not alone.
Posted by
Spicy |
10:33 p.m.
You say "a lot of it is acting, and I do it very well." I think I used to pretty much believe that too (and me having a double-dose of secrets to hide!), but now I see it as more of an unexpected and unanticipated change in my life, rather than an act that I have to put on for others. In fact, I sometimes find myself chatting it up to the boredom of others, just to take away a tiny bit of stigma, perhaps. It wasn't that long ago that we would have been locked away in institutions, effectively criminals to an illness.
You say "you're watching yourself do it." Really! Do you feel sometimes there are two of you sort of just sitting there chatting back and forth. Two distinctively different "entities"?
"...but you do 'what it takes' to make life tolerable for others." Have you ever considered that right now YOU are one of those who needs to have YOUR life tolerated. It works two ways! I don't use this word disparaging, but you strike me as that kind of "Family martyr" who doesn't know how to say "No'". Every family has one, but the biggest lesson I've learned from all this turmoil, I think, is to just set my own pace.
"How do you know you're gay if you're still a virgin?". My! My! You cut right to it, don't you. The answer, of course, is "the same way you know you're hetereo".
There's also some thingy on the male body that gets a whole lot bigger when it's get interested in 'something'.
....and I ceertainly know where my interests lie!
2) Bipolar or schizophrenic....hmmmm... do I have to choose? I'm clearly bipolar, but as I said in an earleir post (and the next one, part 3) at the peak of a manic session I can clearly distinguish different 'character's that make up all of who I am. Almost as if they were sitting around the kitchen table having a cuppa. In any case, I'm not being treated for schizophrenia.
3) I always know we're not in this alone, sometimes it's one of the first things that gets forgotten. And since you were as 'forward' with me (which I enjoy, BTW), let me throw one at you.
Why do you feel this overwhelming need to keed it hidden from your family and friends? Do you see it as something shameful, or something like that? Just curious.
Thanks for the chat
Cheers
Rick
Posted by
Evydense |
10:28 p.m.
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