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On Being Bipolar

My doctor says, 'You've got one of the hardest ones to treat because it's not bipolar, it's not up and down, you're always just about a quart low in the mood department” - Trent Reznor

Most of our clients are suicidal, psychotic, bipolar, schizophrenic or sex offenders. They make an income of less than $3,000 a year and have been kicked off welfare. They need medicine, but cannot afford it. Many have been abused or in prison and have been addicted to crack and alcohol.” - Connie Wilson



On Being Bipolar

The darkness descends
inevitably, predictably.
It overwhelms.
It distorts.
It sucks the marrow
from the bones of life.

I pretend not to notice.

Like a vampire
existing only at night,
I live alone now
in the afterglow of my existence.

The adjustment.
The resignation.
The acceptance.
The defeat.

When does the acceptance come?

Without pretense or approval
the base line shifts once more.
Relentlessly.

My soul exhumed
from the coffin of my despair.
A brief respite
replaces the blackness with...
...with what this time?
A light.
A brightness.
An understanding misunderstood.

It is inevitable.
There's no fight left.
No fight.

Today
the twinkle of a dew drop
caught my eye.
Yesterday
I passed it by,
oblivious.

Out of the darkness,
untainted Light.
Today's reflection
is tranquility.
And then joy.
It accelerates,
never slows,
Always shows
euphoria.
I sit on top of the world
afraid of falling off.

And so I begin
the long descent once more.

The blackness gathers 'round me.
There is no break.
The cycle is relentless.
The body succumbs.

I slip.
I fall.
Again.

Like the lonely spider,
trying,
spinning it's web.
Not reaching the other side
Again, and again, and again.

Futility or persistence.
Does it matter?

The cycle,
relentless in its impersonal presence,
captures without caring,
controls without knowing,
cripples without distinction.

"Will that be the red pill or the blue pill today, sir?" he asked.

"Does it matter?" I asked in return.

Does it matter?

The absence of everything
surrounds me once more.
Thick.
Stifling.
Suffocating.

Lost in the loneliness of crowds.
Crowded by my loneliness.

Home again. Home again. Jiggity-jig.





PEACE.



All I can say is wow... thanks for sharing such a personal poem with us.

I'm Baaacckk! That is a very insightful glimpse into your world. I am awed by the strength you show daily to overcome the things you deal with.

P.S. I will email with a life update tomorrow!

That is beautifully written & painful at the same time.
Thank you for letting us have a glimpse into your soul.

I want to take whichever pill it is that'll get me into the Matrix with Keanu. Take me to Zion, please!!!

The poem..... so true....

I CAN EMPATHIZE

Got lost in those words of truth. I think of "The Pit and the Pendulum" and I am the Pendulum. Whooosh, down and up the other side.

"I pretend not to notice"
This passage makes me wonder whether ego is the one pretending not to notice or the one noticing? I applaud your candor and hope relief from the roller coaster can be achieved. Thanks for describing it.

Very moving words here. It's not easy to bare your soul this way, but I can't help but think to have it in writing simply must be of some help on a personal level.

Your words are touching, and I can feel what you are saying. Thanks for sharing, take care.

My thanks to all of you for your kind comments. I know it's not 'poetry', but it turns out that those are the words that wanted to come out of my keyboard yesterday, and so here they are! I must say, I kinda like it if I do say so myself! Maybe I'll try my hand at something like this again sometime. We'll see.

Thanks again. It helps a great deal, please believe that.

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  • I'm Evydense
  • From Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
  • And I'm tired of living in the shadow of narrow-mindedness and ignorance. So here's the fax, Jack! "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred and sixty-two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." - Lynne Lavner*** I'm confused; curious; satisfied; realistically resigned to being a frustrated idealist; usually at peace with myself, but not always. Amazed at how little I know, and wondering how much I need to understand.
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