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Thoughts Of A Manic Mind....Part 4

.....and Happy Hallowe'en to you all!!!!!!

We don't want to be labeled, because being gay or black or a rapper or a redneck or alternative has only separated us, and those are labels previous generations have come up with, not us. We need to embrace our differences, not focus on them.” anon

Every gay and lesbian person who has been lucky enough to survive the turmoil of growing up is a survivor. Survivors always have an obligation to those who will face the same challenges.” - Bob Paris

It's better to be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother.” Charles Pierce

[NOTE: This is a continuation from the previous blog.]

[NOTE: In the comments section between Matty and myself two blogs ago, she wondered how I knew I was gay if I was still a virgin. In view of her bringing up that isue, today's notes from "Manic Country" will focus some of my manic thoughts in that area.

In the fall of 2004, I was in Toronto visiting my nephew and his wife. Almost out of the blue, I had this urgency that I had to get home right away, and actually did catch a flight one day early. The next day, I realized what was happening, and admitted myself to the hospital for my seond stay. These notes were written during that stay

"An experiment on context. I'm going to ask you a question at the end of this blog [Note: this was part of my notes....me talking then, not now!]

brief comments on the gay thing.

So, that said, my curiosity quotient has me wondering if, for those of you who have read some of my earlier postings, did you filter in a change in how you read my blog with the label 'gay' that is part of the writer.

After all, maybe I'm not gay. Maybe, according to some, I just chose to be gay. Maybe I just made all that up about myself to prove my point.

Manipulation? Dishonesty? or an opportuniy for an "aha'insight" into realizing the significance of context in attempting to understand an alternative viewpoint.

(As I inscribe these notes from the loose papers to the binder, esp. these notes from a year ago, it amazes me how seminal ideas then (which I don't recall writing) have become fundamental constructs of my new theory)

(NOTE: The following original page had HEAVY over-writes, inserts, etc. Hope I got it "right")

I was brought up in a black and white, good and bad world. A binary world. Please understand, I'm not talking "parents" here, but rather society. Attitude. Just kinda the way things are. Some things you just accepted as truth.

Things like "Homosexuality is a crime."
"It's okay to laugh and point at fat kids or cripples."
"Our biggest mistake was giving women the right to vote."
"Kids should be seen and not heard."
"You don't exert yourself on Sundays. It's a day of rest."
"My wife has taught me to stand up stright and not scowl."

I found out later that some of this was supposed to be a part of a thing called my "faith". And apparently, a big part of faith was: "you don't question it or challenge it." I guess maybe it wouldn't be able to stand up very well to the rigors of examination. But then again. Faith will move mountains. I really believed that.

The George Bush way of seeing the world. Simplisticaly, a struggle between good and evil.

And dammit, I'm on the side of good. Just because that's the way it is. Honest.

A society that was able to come up with gems like "Homosexuality is a crime."
"Pot-smoking should be a crime against humanity."

It's fun watching the gay perspective/religious perspective thing sometimes.

"Being gay is a sin."

"Yeah! Well why did God make me this way then?"

"He didn't. You made an evil choice, but you can repent. Swear away your evil ways. God will forgive you. God loves you."

"But doesn't that make him a fag too, then?"


Mmm, I dunno. Let's have a cookie instead!


Oh, and who's to say that I'm not a gay black redneck rapper with an alternative lifestyle? That picture I have there is just some doofus I went to college with.

First of all I want to commend you for saying the stuff that others don't have the guts to say.
Your final sentence is classic.
As I have told you before my friend....I don't give 2 shits which gender floats your boat...you are real & that is more than I can say for most of the people that I know.

Here here Mackey D!

Thanks to both of you for your supportive comments. I'll take you up on that cookie offer sometime, Red. Maybe when I get your first book personally autographed!

Mackey, you make me wonder a bit what "real" really means. I appreciate absolutely what you're saying; it's just that things like that sometimes just tickle my "word-brain"!

What I meant by "real" is that you just put it all out there. How many people hide behind facades? Not that it is wrong to hide but it just takes REAL guts to say what you want & be who you are and not apologize for any of it.
Do you know how many people would NOT have said that last sentence that was in your post.
I can guarantee you the majority of people wouldn't.

Red: You forgot "and smokes weed".

Mackey. As always, an incredibly supportive person. My hope and trust is that nobody will take my blog as anything further than an opinion at the time, given by a bipolar person on a manic trip (but i kinda thought it was great too!). Truth is, I agree with a whole lot of implications....but who cares about my opinion...you've got your own I'm sure, too. Who am I to try and change it? .

(Weird answer, eh? It sounds like I want to be seious or something! Interesting!)

Oops! I just read the blog over, and realize now you were just answering my last comment! I guess I got carried away here!

The timing of your comment is very interesting. When you get to the entry following Number 5, you'll see a side of me you've never seen before. I hope I have the courage to publish it. I'll give you a hint. It has to do with "The Adventure" I spoke of earlier.

In the meantime, I'll hang onto your words of encouragement

"...you are real and that is more than I can say..."

To me, 'real' means 'don't lie to yourself. Be who you are, before you expect someone to believe your someone else'.

Sheesh! Now I'm in blog-writing mode.

I wonder how many people will come back 2 or 3 entries here, to read our discussion? I wonder if you will!!

Forget what I said..when I thought about it...it was just a stupid question. Sometimes I speak before I think...maybe its the blonde in me trying to get out.
I don't care if you're hetero or gay or bi...I care if you're a good person..that's all that counts and from reading your blog..I know you are a caring, sensitive person, real person and i'm glad I met you through your writings.
Be yourself...that's a lot more than some people can say..and I love the word frikking.

I'm back:)
I can't wait to hear about "The Adventure." Not that I am nosy or anything:)

Mackey: I'm not sure that I'm ready to start talking about what I referred to as "The Adventure" yet or not. I probably shouldn't have mentioned it so soon, just in case.

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  • I'm Evydense
  • From Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
  • And I'm tired of living in the shadow of narrow-mindedness and ignorance. So here's the fax, Jack! "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred and sixty-two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." - Lynne Lavner*** I'm confused; curious; satisfied; realistically resigned to being a frustrated idealist; usually at peace with myself, but not always. Amazed at how little I know, and wondering how much I need to understand.
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