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Thoughts Of A Manic Mind .... Part 6

"The evils of government are directly proportional to the tolerance of the people." - anon

"Why do they always teach us that it's easy and evil to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain ourselves? It's the hardest thing in the world--to do what we want. And it takes the greatest kind of courage. I mean, what we really want." - Ayn Rand

"To fear death, my friends, is only to think ourselves wise, without being wise: for it is to think that we know what we do not know. For anything that men can tell, death may be the greatest good that can happen to them: but they fear it as if they knew quite well that it was the greatest of evils. And what is this but that shameful ignorance of thinking that we know what we do not know?” - Socrates



[You may find this entry a bit disturbing, as not only does it use foul language, but it skirts the issue of suicide.....a topic I will most likely return to later. It is a very real topic for me. I believe I read somewhere that the rate of suicides amongst bipolars is 5 times the average. That cuts the odds a bit!.]

[This entry reads a little "herky-jerky". It's from sheets that had incomplete thoughts, but I couldn't write as fast as my brain was thinking, so there are gaps. Some of it may not make much sense as a result. They are marked as being written on Apr 16, 2003, which was right in the midle of my first major manic attack, but before I got to the hospital.

Finally, I want to say here that I hope my posting about "The Adventure" will appear shortly, but it's something new about me that none of you know. Another layer to peel away, and like all of them, it's likely to be fairly painful. All I can do is hope you'll either bear with me, or stop reading. I'm simply hoping you won't judge me
.]

[continued from previous post]



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All we can really hope for, I suppose, is that anything we learn doesn't leave us with as many answers as it does new or different questions. It's those questions that guide the trip. It'd be miserable if we ran out of new questions to answer.

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When you look at both the white side and the dark side simultaneously, that's when you can see the devil inside. (INXS wrote a song about that, didn't they?)
Destroying demons is good.
Killing people is bad.
What's the difference? It's still killing.

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Sometimes truth defies reason.

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We all want our "death time" to be a surprise. It'd most likely be so much easier to take. But what of those of us who will likely end our own existence at some point? Will we be as surprised?



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The violent sublety of being forced to watch someone have their head cut off. "I like to watch", is a famous line from the movie "Being There", with Peter Sellers. Am I losing control of my path choices here?

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By giving myself to your trust, I'm freeing myself from me.

Another HOL-EEEE FUCK movie!! They ALL have a hologram of the message of existence. (post-it note) Have a discussion with yourself on selective perception and place of existence. PRIOR to watching this movie, I had all these thoughts. Now I'm seeing them again in visual form. This is freaking me out.

Now, within 12 hours, I'm moving to the next level "VOICE CONTACT".

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This game has created its own new fear --- "fear of playing the game."
And the circle is complete.
The game consumes the victim who destroys the game, which....

Ground Hog Day...great movie, repeats till you get it right.

How would I know that when I wrote that, that I would see this movie and need that thought to complete this one.

Gestalt.



THIS IS BRILLIANT, DOCTOR!

Perhaps I've just invented a new form of sychotherapy.

Maybe I REALLY AM CRAZY, but I'm SELF-ANALYZING MYSELF BETTER BY FORCING MYSELF TO SEE MY PAIN IN EVERY INPUT THAT I HAVE (i.e. movie-watching, brain-talking, writing, pot-induced thoughts and combined ideas from mixing any combination of source of ideas).

Basically, we're building a big box in the ground.

BURIAL!!

Getting rid of demons!

HOL----EEEE FUCK!!

That probably explains why my absolute greatest fear is to be buried alive. That's where we put all the demons.

I'm afraid of you.

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PEACE.



I've found in the past that being afraid of things I was afraid of didn't do me much good and ended up just making me jittery... like when I smoke my pipe three times in a row and drink five cups of coffee.

I learned to get around that by looking at the big picture of life and seeing my birth in my left hand, my death in my right, and everything in between as either nonsense or something I need!

And coming from the viewpoint that we live many lives for our own learning and growth, I figured that being afraid of shit just doesn't quite make sense. So I let it all go.

:)

Red: I envy you your ability to be able to "let it all go" like that. Your reply is a very thoughtful and thought-provoking one. I appreciate it a great deal, and will give it a good deal of thought.

I just have trouble "willing" things away, especially bad things for some strange reason.

You are a wise man, my friend.

Thanks!

Evy, I find what helps me the most when I have unexplainable fears..Is I ask myself...and if this happens..what's the worst thing that can happen?...and when I answer that...then I am okay with it...and on & on I go...answering the questions as I ask them.
When I realize that there is nothing to fear but fear itself..I can accept that.
When I'm manic and my thoughts are flying all over my space...I just go with it and let me land wherever I will....I accept that and know that I'll be okay. I have a soft place in my mind where I can fall..where everything is 'A okay' and I go there when I need to.
I don't try to stop it...I just go with the flow..and know that it will end...and I'll be okay again.
When I find myself becoming too introspective...I know that it's not a good thing...so I try to get out of that box (out of the coffin)...go elsewhere...and its always a better place.
You have to force your mind to think about the good things...like air, life..sun, water, soft, warm...clouds...and you can re-direct your thoughts.
Good thoughts going your way.

Evy.
How are you doing? Hope everything goes well??
We miss you..(me & my other self)hang in there...

Matty:

I didn't mean to ignore your comment! I thought I had responded to it already. Sorry.

I hear what you're saying, and I know I'm setting myself up as a "yes-but..." kind of person. I've tried the "shutting it out" as Red suggests, I've tried "going to my safe place", and a dozen other ideas. Some work briefly, but the devil always comes back to me. And I'm getting weary constantly, but futiley, struggling, and I'm starting to ask "For what?" more and more lately.

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  • I'm Evydense
  • From Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
  • And I'm tired of living in the shadow of narrow-mindedness and ignorance. So here's the fax, Jack! "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred and sixty-two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." - Lynne Lavner*** I'm confused; curious; satisfied; realistically resigned to being a frustrated idealist; usually at peace with myself, but not always. Amazed at how little I know, and wondering how much I need to understand.
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